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"Last week I reviewed the concept of writing with immediacy to put the reader in the character’s skin, and gave an example of “show vs tell” when writing narrative. Another subtle habit that can create distance rather than immediacy and lead you into 'telling' is using weak words - things like passive verbs, weak verbs, filter words, and phrases that serve no purpose.
First up: passive verbs. Defining specific parts of speech can get involved - not to mention boring - pretty fast. Let’s keep it simple. Verbs are your action words - or at least in most fiction writing, they should be. When caught up in getting words on the page, though, it can be easy to fall into using passive verbs instead of active ones. What’s the difference? The subject is either doing the action or being acted upon. When the subject is performing the action, the construction is active. When the subject is acted upon, the construction is passive. A list of examples can be found here:
examples-of-active-and-passive-voice.html
Weak Verbs: In the example phrases at the link above, you’ll notice a lot of ‘was’ and ‘were’ and ‘had done’ (or in present tense, is, are, be), etc. It doesn’t mean that those verbs are always passive (it depends on the construction of the sentence, right?), but they are always weak verbs. Best to avoid them when you can, and find something more interesting. (Stephen King in his book On Writing calls this "punching up" his verbs.)
Tip: be aware of gerund useage (-ing words) as they can lead you into passive words. ‘She was running... ’ vs ‘She ran... '
writers-toolbox/gerunds-and-participles-avoid-ing-words/
simplewriting.org/are-ing-words-bad/
Another pitfall to watch for is filter words, (he saw, she thought, they seemed, zhe wondered). There’s an article here by Chuck Palahniuk that has some great examples of how to change ‘telling’ filter words into ‘showing’.
thought-verbs-by-chuck-palahniuk
Lastly, watch out for waffling in your prose (my word for not getting to the point). It’s another way to weaken a sentence and add unnecessary words. She got a bit nervous, he kind-of wanted to go...: In real life, you do or you don’t, right? Try this instead: She felt nervous, but [did something about it]. He wanted to go, but decided [whatever].
One caution here: using tighter writing, active verbs, avoiding filter words, and cutting down on gerunds will increase the immediacy in your writing; however, the prose still has to flow well and sound natural. Changing every sentence to “She called (and told him to get ready)...He packed (for the trip)... They left (from her apartment)... They boarded (the bus, plane, whatever) - to make it more active will, instead, make your writing stilted and monotonous. Be sure to mix up the constructions and sentence lengths. Use the occasional passive verbs, weak verb, filter word, and gerunds where they’re needed - just be sure it’s a conscious choice and done for a good reason. The goal is a good reading experience, not a story so stripped down that it becomes lifeless.
Okay, I’m going to make up an example on the spot to try and illustrate these concepts in prose. See if you can spot the weak words and phrases.
Mara felt uncertain about Troy’s plan, and began to try and think of another way to find the rogue vampire. She was flipping through an ancient text on Hungarian rituals when the phone rang. Getting up to answer it, she thought she spotted a shadow moving outside the window. It slid away, and she found she was so scared that she couldn’t speak.
“Hello?” Troy said.
Nothing overtly wrong or unusual about the example above, but compare it to this:
The last time Mara followed Troy’s advice they’d found themselves running for their lives; this time she planned to do her research on the rogue vampire before setting out. She pulled a volume of Laszlo Fodor’s “Nocturna” from a shelf by the couch and settled back into her favorite overstuffed recliner. Picking a page at random, she opened the book to an old illustration of a vampire sucking the blood of a young woman in his arms. She stared in shock at the face in the illustration and the striking resemblance to the vampire they tracked. The phone rang, pulling her out of her contemplation with a start. She closed the book and hurried to the small phone table by the window, cutting off the insistent, European double-ring when she lifted the receiver. A movement out the window caught the corner of her eye. She focused on it and made out a formless shadow slithering into the nearby bushes. Her voice froze in her throat.
“Hello?” Troy said.
Yes, I’ve added a lot, but as I mentioned last week, showing will nearly always take more words than telling. Details and specifics are an important part of immersing the reader in your world.
Find a paragraph of writing you’ve done that has a few weak words in it and try a re-write. I’ll bet you’ll like the result.
First up: passive verbs. Defining specific parts of speech can get involved - not to mention boring - pretty fast. Let’s keep it simple. Verbs are your action words - or at least in most fiction writing, they should be. When caught up in getting words on the page, though, it can be easy to fall into using passive verbs instead of active ones. What’s the difference? The subject is either doing the action or being acted upon. When the subject is performing the action, the construction is active. When the subject is acted upon, the construction is passive. A list of examples can be found here:
examples-of-active-and-passive-voice.html
Weak Verbs: In the example phrases at the link above, you’ll notice a lot of ‘was’ and ‘were’ and ‘had done’ (or in present tense, is, are, be), etc. It doesn’t mean that those verbs are always passive (it depends on the construction of the sentence, right?), but they are always weak verbs. Best to avoid them when you can, and find something more interesting. (Stephen King in his book On Writing calls this "punching up" his verbs.)
Tip: be aware of gerund useage (-ing words) as they can lead you into passive words. ‘She was running... ’ vs ‘She ran... '
writers-toolbox/gerunds-and-participles-avoid-ing-words/
simplewriting.org/are-ing-words-bad/
Another pitfall to watch for is filter words, (he saw, she thought, they seemed, zhe wondered). There’s an article here by Chuck Palahniuk that has some great examples of how to change ‘telling’ filter words into ‘showing’.
thought-verbs-by-chuck-palahniuk
Lastly, watch out for waffling in your prose (my word for not getting to the point). It’s another way to weaken a sentence and add unnecessary words. She got a bit nervous, he kind-of wanted to go...: In real life, you do or you don’t, right? Try this instead: She felt nervous, but [did something about it]. He wanted to go, but decided [whatever].
One caution here: using tighter writing, active verbs, avoiding filter words, and cutting down on gerunds will increase the immediacy in your writing; however, the prose still has to flow well and sound natural. Changing every sentence to “She called (and told him to get ready)...He packed (for the trip)... They left (from her apartment)... They boarded (the bus, plane, whatever) - to make it more active will, instead, make your writing stilted and monotonous. Be sure to mix up the constructions and sentence lengths. Use the occasional passive verbs, weak verb, filter word, and gerunds where they’re needed - just be sure it’s a conscious choice and done for a good reason. The goal is a good reading experience, not a story so stripped down that it becomes lifeless.
Okay, I’m going to make up an example on the spot to try and illustrate these concepts in prose. See if you can spot the weak words and phrases.
Mara felt uncertain about Troy’s plan, and began to try and think of another way to find the rogue vampire. She was flipping through an ancient text on Hungarian rituals when the phone rang. Getting up to answer it, she thought she spotted a shadow moving outside the window. It slid away, and she found she was so scared that she couldn’t speak.
“Hello?” Troy said.
Nothing overtly wrong or unusual about the example above, but compare it to this:
The last time Mara followed Troy’s advice they’d found themselves running for their lives; this time she planned to do her research on the rogue vampire before setting out. She pulled a volume of Laszlo Fodor’s “Nocturna” from a shelf by the couch and settled back into her favorite overstuffed recliner. Picking a page at random, she opened the book to an old illustration of a vampire sucking the blood of a young woman in his arms. She stared in shock at the face in the illustration and the striking resemblance to the vampire they tracked. The phone rang, pulling her out of her contemplation with a start. She closed the book and hurried to the small phone table by the window, cutting off the insistent, European double-ring when she lifted the receiver. A movement out the window caught the corner of her eye. She focused on it and made out a formless shadow slithering into the nearby bushes. Her voice froze in her throat.
“Hello?” Troy said.
Yes, I’ve added a lot, but as I mentioned last week, showing will nearly always take more words than telling. Details and specifics are an important part of immersing the reader in your world.
Find a paragraph of writing you’ve done that has a few weak words in it and try a re-write. I’ll bet you’ll like the result.
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